A Picture A Day

A few years ago my aunt gave me a book called A Year of Mornings.  It is a picture project done  by two friends on opposite coasts of the United States.  For one year they each took a picture before noon and posted it to a shared web album.  They were not allowed to discuss the subject or mood of their photos but it was interesting how their themes and even the colors of their photos were often similar. 
Since we moved back I've been feeling busy and boring.  Like I don't have much to say (as you've probably noticed).  And like I have nothing around me worth photographing.  The year of mornings book is just pictures of ordinary things.  What they had for breakfast.  The family cat.  And they're really pretty.  And so, inspired by their project, I am starting my own Year of Pictures blog where from Dec 31 2010 - Dec 31 2011 I will try to take one picture each day and post it to the blog.  I want to see the beautiful in the mundane and learn to enjoy the everyday.  Here's the blog link if you want to follow along.  Our Year in Pictures
Happy New Year everyone. 

Hope

Advent.  Week One.  Hope.
I love our church.  We call ourselves fully evangelical, gentle charismatics and, I add, beautifully litergical.  I love that.  I didn't grow up with communion every Sunday, group recitation of The Lord's Prayer or much reference to the Christian Calendar.  I know that some people find these things to be ritual without much meaning.  But I find them, in balance, to be really grounding.  They help me to focus.
This week is the first week of advent.  The week to focus on hope.  Hope.  Hope for a Savior to come.  Hope for His Kingdom to come. 
Christmas is a time of hopelessness for many.  Even for me, who doesn't have any major losses or difficulties at the moment, Christmas in a poignant time.  I feel very softened, sensitive.  I avoid Christmas pageants.  Too many bright and shiny children with their proud parents beaming from the audience or back stage, mouthing the memorized lines along with them, snapping pictures.  And I am not them.  Apparently those moments are not for me to have.  I am reminded of loved ones lost.  We went to fund raiser last night for children in Africa who have nothing.  I hear pleas on the radio for more donations for the food bank.  And yet, hope shines through.  And that's what I love about Christmas.  That's be beauty of the message of Jesus.  That through the hurt, through the pain, through the doubt...hope remains.  So this week I hope cling to hope.  Communion, a candle burning, a prayer that His Kingdom come on Earth as in Heaven.  Hope.

The Big Freeze

Winter has arrived.  6 inches of snow cover our yard and the -20 temperature won't let us forget that a new season is upon us.  People are getting into Christmas already - glowing trees can be seen in front windows and well-lit santas etc are adorning yards in the area.  I was a bit disgusted to see the eggnog and candy canes for sale the day after Halloween but anyways....can't we just not buy stuff for one freaking second in this country?

I've cut myself off of Facebook for a few weeks and that's been good but makes me want to still put my thoughts out there so here I am.  Facebook is nuts, you know?  I honestly don't care what all of my acquaintances ate for supper or how many dirty diapers they've changed today or if they're mad at their landlord or ..... etc etc.  Like really.  As if I don't have enough to think about without taking on everyone else's angst as well.

4 more weeks of school.  Crazy.  I need to start getting final exams ready pretty soon!  I've been working on developing curriculum as well which has been a nightmare that I can't wait to be done with.  Life feels crazy sometimes.  I'm learning some things about myself through this season of being "career woman", namely, that I don't really like being career woman.  I still like teaching but I don't care about climbing the ladder.  I'm not that interested in doing research and being the most cutting edge in my field.  I don't plan to do a masters any time soon.  Just, meh.  That's good to know.  I think I need more than just a paycheck to feel like my work is rewarding.  I miss the more personal connection I had with our students in PNG.  I don't get many opportunities to get to know my students here on a more personal level.  I hope and have faith that this is just a season.  I should embrace it.  I'm trying.

Dreams

I had an amazingly real dream last night that we adopted a brown skinned, straight haired affectionate 2 year old boy named Andrew.  We had to walk through a raging river to get to him.  Now I'm at work and can't concentrate.

What to Say

I keep a journal.  Not every day, just as the mood strikes me.  Its mostly for me.  I like to go back  "on this day 5 years ago" and see what I was up to.  Amazing how quickly we forget and its also a good reminder that no matter how important something seems to me today, I'll probably hardly even remember it a few years from now so I should just chill and enjoy the moment.  I have a tendency to put too much emphasis on my feelings at moment and forget that this too shall pass and God is with me no matter what.  Some people keep a journal hoping that future generations will be interested to read them and that they will be remembered.  Frankly, I kind of hope mine aren't read by anyone who didn't know me.  So many times when I go back and read I just have to shake my head.  How embarrassing.  I think I have a tendency to write when I'm really feeling something strongly - and don't tell my husband I said so but, yes, its true, I can be a bit extreme or even, gulp, irrational.

Anyways, I picked up my journal a few days ago to find that I hadn't written anything for 3 months!  That's 1/4 of a year!  And this blog's sparse content reflects my feelings as well - that I just don't have much to say!  Which is a bit strange, because there's always lots going on.  But it all feels really normal.  There's no geckos in the toaster, no one being killed in a nearby village, no extreme excitement over finding beef in the grocery store.  Boring.  Or maybe its just my perspective that's boring.

At this time last year I was almost making myself sick with worrying.  I had just turned down a fairly decent paying job teaching ESL in a place about an hour out of where we are living now.  It was a difficult decision.  It had been my first teaching position interview ever.  It was good to know that I could do it.  It would have been money that we needed right away.  We had been back for 2 months at that point and, thankfully, a few supporters continued on while we were getting settled but still, making a little less that $1000/month for five years hadn't left us with much savings.  I needed the job.  Tim couldn't work because of he wasn't a resident at that point.  It was all up to me.  But I couldn't see driving an hour each way every day, especially during the winter.  So I turned down the job. They counter offered and still I just didn't feel right and said no.  Hopeful, but not sure at that point, if the college would be hiring for the new semester starting in January.  I interviewed to be a teacher's assistant at the college's English language centre a few weeks later and didn't get the job.  I was devastated.  I took a minimum wage job packing expensive chocolates that cost more a piece than my Indonesian friends make in a day.  I felt a bit sick.

Now, a year later, I'm doing well at the teaching position that did open up in January.  I have taken a second contract with them to develop curriculum. And that's pretty much all I do at this point.  Work.  And now that the novelty has worn off I just don't feel like its anything worth writing about.  Who would be interested in reading about the grammar activities I made today?  Who cares about my Saturday of going into work for five hours then cleaning the house and falling asleep in front of the tv?

I'm so thankful for my job.  I'm so glad that I  can do something I like to do, that I can use my training so directly.  And, I'm thankful that, if I were to guess what I would say looking back on this entry in a few years, I will probably say, "That was good.  It was worthwhile.  It helped me get to where I am now.  Which is some place totally different."

My Favorite Season

Fall. What a beautiful time of year. And it has officially arrived around here. All the leaves have turned and are covering the ground, providing a very satisfying crunch crunch  when I go for a walk. With work and the business of life I haven't gotten out to enjoy the fallness as much as I would like but I'm taking in what I can and it is gorgeous. Fall is such a short season here but maybe that's why I like it. There's no chance to get sick of it - you blink and it's over. It always feels so rich because every day seems like one more day you rob from winter's icy grasp and it seems that us humans are more likely to enjoy things deeply if we know that they are only temporary. We take for granted those things that seem they will be here forever. Like our health, our spouses, our security.
Fall is also my favorite time of year because it reminds me of some of my dear college friends. This was the time of year that we were reconnected after a summer apart and would spend hours dressed in sweaters sitting outside our local Starbucks drinking coffee or maybe that oh so fallish drink, apple cider, and sharing our lives together. I miss those days and I miss those friends. Those were some of my favorite times. To those friends, if you read this, I miss you and love you and think of you often as I walk under golden trees.

Happy New Year!

A friend of mine told me the other day that, after some rough times that are now behind them, they've been saying "Happy New Year!" to people this month. And I've been thinking throughout September as well that this is really the month of new beginnings. Forget January. January is depressing. Grey and cold, dishes with cold turkey fat on them, a few extra pounds, presents that promised to bring joy but didn't, etc. But September, September is the month of freshly sharpened pencils, new sneakers, crisp air, beautiful sunsets and the sense that we should be seizing the day before the long winter sets in. So forget new years resolutions. This is your new year! Now's the time to make some changes and really get motivated. September is a month to purge something old and try something new. Take a class. Go through your closets. I don't think I'm the only one with this idea. My mom tried to donate some things to Salvation Army the other day and was turned away because their sorting room is full! So, step 1, go buy a new notebook and pen. Since they're all on sale now, why not stock up for the year. Step 2 - start writing. Dreams, goals, aspirations...make a plan and then get on it! Make hay while the sun shines and before the winter freeze cools your fire. I'm off to do the same.

Adventure

Traveling by bus is always an adventure. You run into some interesting characters. I guess I’m not yet at that stage of my life or perhaps am not of the personality where I really want to talk to complete strangers so I usually put out the vibe that I’m not interested. I usually sit alone. Book and headphones, I enjoy some quiet time. But I do like watching people and keeping keen to things around me. A homeless man was on the leg from Lethbridge to Calgary. He was jovial but smelled bad and I found myself wondering what his story was. But I didn’t ask. Right now there are two 80-something woman sitting in front of me talking about their entire life stories and the whole bus “gets” to eavesdrop as well. My favorite part so far was when they were discussing downsizing from their houses to smaller apartments and were bemoaning all of the stuff they had accumulated and how to get rid of it. One said she tried to give away her china to her granddaughter who said, “Maybe later Grandma”. This led into an impassioned discussion about the merits of drinking tea from china. “Drinking tea from china just tastes better.” “Oh yes, absolutely! Have you ever had tea from a Styrofoam cup?!! It’s terrible, just awful.” I’m not a big tea drinker myself but I do own some china which I indeed got from MY grandmother and never use – perhaps I should start.
My favorite bumper sticker so far read as follows. “Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to go see him today.” Haha.
I also observe nuances of culture when I take public transportation. One thing about the west that I’ve noticed more since living in PNG where you will not observe this quirk is that people here go to great lengths to not have to sit next to one another. It is, in fact, quite rude, I believe, to plop down right next to someone if there are other seats available. We always want a buffer of at least one seat width. I was waiting in the Calgary terminal for my bus to load and a lady tried to sit one seat away but that seat was broken so she got up and sat in the seat right next to me. “I’m sorry,” she said, actually apologizing for violating the code, “that seat is broken so I can’t sit in it.” At which point another girl on the other side of the broken seat informed us that an obese man had been sitting there and must have broken it. Oh, well that makes sense. 2 minutes later a seat not next to me or anyone else opened up and my bubble violator quickly got up and moved. You will observe this phenomenon in movie theatres as well. As a sociological experiment one might try walking into a near empty movie theatre and sitting down right next to someone. They’ll get all prickly and annoyed, I promise.

One Year

Fresh  Off the Plane

It has been one year since I arrived in Canada.  It has been quite a year.  It's funny to think that 12 months ago I didn't really know where we would live, how long it would take for Tim to get his papers and no job prospects.  We've had some culture shock, survived the cold winter, enjoyed some summer, and now we're heading into the fall again.  God has been good.  My job is working out well, Tim got his papers within 7 months, and, after a year of being blessed with low rent and huge accommodation at my grandma's house, we're looking forward to moving to a new rental at the beginning of September.  While packing isn't so exciting, it's fun to plan decorating and things like that.  Tim is continuing with school again in September and looking for part-time work along with that and I will continue with my current job.  Thanks everyone who supported us in different ways during our transition time.  It feels good to be on our feet again. 

Time Off

Day 1:  Stayed in bed until 10:00, made 3 batches of applesauce, took a 2 hour nap, cleaned the house.
Day 2:  Out the door by 7:00 to drive north of Calgary to meet Tim's parents and have lunch with some friends.  Then off to Body Worlds at the Science Centre.  Hmmm, I was half intrigued, half disgusted.  Not sure donating my body for plastination is for me.  Learned that my body produces 1 litre of snot a day, most of which I swallow.  Was further disgusted.
Day 3:  Tim woke up early to make a pie.  I slept in.  (yes, I do kind of like our non-traditional roles sometimes) Off to my parents place for lunch after buying a fishing license for my father-in-law.  Yummy roast with the family before the guys headed out to throw in a few lines and catch 6 fish.  I was not so lucky.
Day 4:  Slept in, showed the folks around the college and then went to our local u-pick where I snagged my first zucchini of the season and lots of tomatoes and he didn't charge me ANYTHING!  I must be cute.  Back for a nap :) (yes, naps and holidays go hand in hand for me), then down the coulee under the high level bridge for a walk.
The days are running by but I'm enjoying them.  Not sure what I have planned for the rest of the 15 left.

Micro Loans

If you're not sick of hearing about this, please read on. 

Why I like Kiva.

I like Kiva because I believe in empowerment and training, not blind charity that feels good to the giver but does little to help pull individuals and communities out of poverty.  God calls us to care for the poor, absolutely.  But I have a problem with uneducated giving.  Sometimes we get all caught up in what appears to be beneficial on the surface but may actually have long-term negative consequences.  Take the issue of say, shoes.  Westerners feel so stirred, some by genuine compassion, some by guilt, to give tangible things like shoes, for free, to people who don't have them.  Shouldn't everyone have a pair of shoes?  Isn't it wrong that they don't?!  Shouldn't I make it my mission to make sure everyone on the planet has a pair of shoes?  But consider this.   1. Shoes are far from the top of the needs list for many places.  Like where we used to live.  Would they have loved free shoes?  Absolutely.  Do they need shoes?  Nope.  Most of the times shoes are a hindrance to their lifestyle of walking through muddy bush, wading in rivers, gardening, and walking across slippery log bridges.  Their feet are so much better at gripping and so tough that they really are the best mode of transport.  What if their feet become soft from wearing shoes but no more free shoes come next year?  They cannot afford to buy more shoes that they didn't previously know they needed but now feel they do so they then depend on, waiting anxiously, expectantly or sometimes angrily for the next donation.  2.  Giving free stuff to an economy that has the manpower and knowledge to make its own stuff kills the economy and creates dependence, not independence.  I'm not talking about places ravaged by some terrible disaster who need temporary emergency assistance as they rebuild.  I'm talking about places that are chronically poor.  Instead of just giving the product, why not donate the materials and train people to make shoes?  Why not give a micro loan and small business assistance to those with the skills to make shoes so that they can start to provide for their families in a sustainable way.  This not only helps the individual but benefits the economy of the entire community/nation.  Also, and this is an important point, it empowers  the recipients, giving them goals, motivation, hope, and confidence.  Kiva helps people who have the desire and skills to do something, to provide for their families far beyond my $25.00.  And that's why I love it. 

Gotcha?

So I had plans for tonight.  Drinks with a friend from work.  After a rough week with people going crazy wrapping up the semester it seemed like the perfect thing.  But the plans fell through and so, with hubby busy on a project, I hunkered down for some good surfing on the web.  I wound up looking at some adoption blogs.  People I know keep having babies!  Funny how that works.  These things cannot be stopped.  :)  And as usual I feel a mix of so much happiness for them and a then, depending on the day, either a dull ache or a sharp pain with a lovely side of jealousy.  One thing I struggle with greatly in regards to adoption is just how sad it is!  People don't really like to talk about how sad it is but I know that, if I do ever adopt, while it will be a joyful day for me, it will represent a terribly painful, confusing, and life-changing day for the "tummy mommy".   And also for the child because that loss of all that was familiar creates a wound.  And so adopting is so, not to be cutesy but just because I can't think of a better word, pregnant with such a huge mix of emotions.  I read this entry tonight that really touched me and made me think.  http://www.growninmyheart.com/getting-ready-for-my-gotcha-day    For those of you not familiar with the term "Gotcah Day", it's a name that some people use to tell their adopted children about the day they were brought to their adoptive home.  This author and those who commented on her entry have an interesting perspective.  Check it out.

Live simply

I have a small plaque on my wall that has a quote from Ghandi  that reads, "Live simply so that others may simply live".  It's difficult to do that here isn't it?  There are some things that I still marvel at how easy they seem and can't really understand why others complain that their not.  Taking eating healthy for example.  It is SO EASY to eat healthy here!  And yet so many people seem so confused by it, claiming that it's actually really hard.  I just don't understand - every box of food has a nutritional label that tells you what's in it and you can get fresh produce year round.  You can buy organic if you want, lactose free, gluten free, fat free, sugar free, omega-3 added, vitamin enriched...you name it.  Early this spring we put some seeds in the ground, water it once a day but hardly bother to weed it and we have beans, lettuce and tomatoes coming out of our ears.  And it's free!!  But even if you don't want to do that there's U-pick places, farmers market vendors and Hutterites that will do it all for you.  But living simply...I get that this is difficult.  There's so much pressure here to have stuff, keep up with trends, not deprive yourself of anything...and cheap (excuse me mother) crap made by unethical labor and sold in places like, well, you know where, are SO CHEAP that it's really hard to resist.  Oh who cares if it only last a few months, we think to ourselves.  I'll just throw it away and get another one because it was so affordable.  What does it mean to live simply anyways?  Because actually I wonder if it may cost about the same but just have you buying different things.  Buying locally.  Buying ethically.  Buying quality.  Recycling.  Not buying at all.  It's all of those little choices we make all day long - walk or ride my bike?  eat from the cafeteria or bring a lunch from home?  buy a coffee or learn to enjoy water again?  talk on skype or talk on the phone.  buy a new lipgloss I don't really need or refrain?  I'm far from mastering this call of Ghandi's which isn't just that we live simply, but that we live simply so that others may simply live.  Ways of helping to bring about the so that presents a whole new set of questions.  For another time..... 

Still Figuring This Out

Well, Windows Live appears to be on its way out and, while I love some of their features, I guess its time to move on.  Blogger is taking a while to get used to and seems so complicated to me!  I can't even figure out how to change the color of my background, let alone add cool gadgets etc that I see on the blogs of my friends.  And why is the blog section so skinny?  Can I make it fatter to take up more of the screen?  Grrr.

So I got out of blogging for a while because Facebook kind of took over and I felt like I was just saying everything twice.  Well actually I wasn't saying much at all, just putting up pictures, and so that was all doubling up of what was already on Facebook.  But I think I'm ready to start again.  I never exactly know who reads my thoughts or if anyone cares but sometimes it feels good to just put it down on "paper" and be able to come back to it later.  I don't want to make this first entry too long so I won't write about anything significant here.  Just want to say, yes, hello, I'm back.